Download - Smashwords Author：Phil | Size：0 | View：316 | Page：2Dippinginto a darkened soulbyPhilipMackenzie SMASHWORDSEDITIONPUBLISHED BYPhilip Mackenzie on SmashwordsCopyright 2011 by Philip MackenzieThis ebook is a work of non-fiction.Smashwords Edition License NotesThis ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook maynot be re-sold...
Dippinginto a darkened soulbyPhilipMackenzie SMASHWORDSEDITIONPUBLISHED BYPhilip Mackenzie on SmashwordsCopyright 2011 by Philip MackenzieThis ebook is a work of non-fiction.Smashwords Edition License NotesThis ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook maynot be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share thisbook with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each personyou share it with. If youre reading this book and did not purchase it, or itwas not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.comand purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the authors work.Dipping into a darkenedsoulD epression…..Sorry did Isay a bad word? Did I swear? No I merely stated an illness. Many people stilldo not see depression as an illness, “snap out of it“, they say. Othersacknowledge it but do not handle it “I suffer from depression” is often metwith “Oh ok, I have to go, bye“. Unfortunately, many people, me included, livewith depression. WAIT…This is not going to be a woe is me tale, taking you through everymicro emotion that finds me here today. It is an exploration of certain pointsof an illness and the journey that is a long way from over. My viewpoint on depression may be somewhat different than most people andis likely to raise an eyebrow or two. I have the opinion that the illness isalong the lines of a deficiency, if my iron levels are low I am prescribed irontablets. Vitamin C deficiency ? pop a pill. A person diagnosed as diabetic isgiven insulin. My point of these examples is they all replace something thatthe body is not making in sufficient quantity. Clinical depression is, in itsmost basic form, a chemical imbalance in the brain so therefore should bejudged in the same way as other deficiency illnesses. Ok lets get personal. I was born into a stable family with no majorupheavals in my formative years. My memories of my first school are mostly goodbut an incident occurred that may have had an effect that has stayed with metill this day. I can’t recall my exact age but I was either 9 or 10 years ofage and preparing for PE by jogging around the school play ground, my nextmemory of this incident is waking up in the local hospital a day and a halfolder. The story that was reiterated to me was one of high drama, actually itwasn’t at all dramatic. I collided with a friend ( who has gone on to be apretty successful actor…I digress but won’t name drop ) and was knockedunconscious. Maybe some neural pathways were knocked about a bit maybe not. Therest of my schooling passes without any turmoil or major upset to speak of. Thenext little adventure of my life and probably the point of some major damagewas college. I was a pretty good student and kept out of trouble. I had a goodcore group of friends and never thought that we were the “wrong” crowd. I can’tremember when, where or how but certain substances were consumed that maybeshouldn’t of. This probably would not of been too much of a problem if it hadbeen an experimental use but it became a regular part of life for two years.There are many reports concerning the long term damage that certain drugs caninflict upon the human brain. I don’t wish to dwell on this too much but Ithink it is hard not to make any connection with this and depression. The next period of my life is one that I wish to devote very littlenarration to as it took me many years to come to terms with. To break it down Imarried, became a father, divorced and fell apart. I was in my very earlytwenties and at the time felt that my world had collapsed. I didn’t have themental strength or life experience to deal with such an upheaval and thisheavily darkened my soul. With perfect hindsight I should have dealt with myemotions but I instead became somewhat introverted and once again turned tosubstances as a crutch. I continued a course of erratic behaviour but kept anoutward presence to most people of normality. This course of action continuedin waves for four years until I found someone to help steady the ship of mylife. The term "soul mate" is easily banded about but I truly metmine. She joined me on a destructive course and stuck by me through some veryerratic times. It quickly became apparent that no matter where my journey wasdestined to lead me I would not be going alone. The decision to clean up my actwas quite a simple one but also one that would once again open up the darkerpart of my nature. The destructive nature of substance abuse was replaced by adestructive force that was, in some ways, more destructive. I became consumedwith paranoia, mistrust and jealousy. All these feelings were totallyunjustified and ultimately led to me leaving my job. It started to sink in thatI required some help in dealing with issues. After consultation with my doctorI was given antidepressants and counselling. I was one of the “counsellingwon’t help me” kind of people so was quite shocked that within half an hour ofmy first session I was in floods of tears and had a bad case of verbalincontinence. After a period of counselling and medication I felt it time toleave my “crutch” behind. I thought I had faced down all my so called demonsbut still had a feeling of sadness. Life continued in this way for many yearswith me thinking I was dealing with things successfully but clearly not. I had (and conversely still do) a good home life and a good work life butI still could sit in a room full of people and feel alone, I could befully involved in a conversation but within seconds feel alienated. My moodsstarted changing and my emotions were uncontrollable. I found myself crying forno reason and finally had to admit, after breaking down to the point of hardlybeing able to speak to my boss, that I had never got through mydepression. This brings me to where I am today and my thoughts onto where the futuremay lead. I am currently taking an antidepressant that does not numb me butgives me a sense of evenness. I still feel emotions but am not controlled bythem, I am not too proud to admit that I see my use of antidepressants as along term solution. I know that some of my thoughts will not stand up to either logical ormedical examination but I feel that they work for me. Putting these thoughts into words has been a slightly selfish butcathartic experience, if one person looks at this and questions theirideas of depression than I have achieved more than I set out to. The saying goes something like “every journey starts with a single step,Im not saying I have taken that step but at least I am looking at a map.